Chronically Mourning

Chronically Mourning

Dealing With What Could Have Been

First I want people to know that I am incredibly grateful for what I have. I have an awesome support group and I genuinely love working on my art and other random creative projects. That being said, I still struggle with intense sadness and pain at the loss of what could have been. On occasion it will hit me. That there is no cure for fibromyalgia. There is no break from dealing with my chronic pain. I long to have a vacation from my own body. The little five year old girl in me wanted to be a ballerina. And the more realistic teenage girl, dreamed of traveling and pursuing photo journalism. I wanted a steady job that would allow me to pursue all my creative endeavors. Today, Im just glad when my body allows me to hangout with friends, create art, and drive my car all in the same day without collapsing from complete exhaustion and excruciating pain. I get excited when after shopping for a couple of hours, I’m able to rest and then watch a movie without having to spend a full day recovering from said shopping trip.

I believe that a lot of being able to move on, is acknowledging that something has been lost. Pain changes people. Some become rude, and some become silent. After pushing myself to the brink, I (with much kicking and screaming) needed to change my dreams to accommodate my health. Not because I didn’t push hard enough, rest enough, or fight enough. It’s all because of my physical health and disability. My body just can’t function on a regular basis. I literally can’t work a nine to five. This all really limits what I’m able to do. To stay in a healthy head space, I need to focus on what I can do. My dreams have needed to changed to accommodate my health, but old dreams haven’t died. I still write and create art when I can. I watch my sister dance and brag about her on Instagram.

The reality of being sick is that things change and it’s overwhelming. I have needed to let go of what I wish my life could have been. There are years of my life that I’ve lost to fighting my chronic illness. And sometimes I need to be mad about it. I just don’t need to stay mad. I’m staying busy focusing on the next project.

I need a little grace when it comes to dreaming. I didn’t get the chance to even try to become what we wanted to be. Instead I’ve had to settle on more realistic dreams because of my health. Some days I feel as though I have been given a “life sentence” with chronic pain. Sometimes my goal for the day is to simple get out of bed and shower. From other peoples perspective, it can look like I’m not doing very much in my day to day life. I can look like I just lay around all day. And I’ll admit that there are sick days where laying around is all I can do because of the widespread pain. It may appear like I’m not planning for the future. In reality, sometimes all I can do in a day is get out of bed and do chores at home. I have to just focus on doing the most I can today without wearing about tomorrow. Being fully present today, letting go of yesterday while not obsessing over tomorrow. I’m working with being okay with that.

I am always pushing my body to do more, get stronger and rest better. While on the outside it may not look like I am doing a whole lot. Rest assured, I am fighting for my life.