Chronically In Love

Chronically Dating

Dating When You Have a Chronic Illness

Would you date someone who has a chronically illness?  I recently read a blog post about dating at two ends of the spectrum in regards to being sick.  I will link that post here.  I’m currently living the single life, but I have dated in the past and I am very grateful for those relationships. While they eventually came to an end, I learned a lot about what I need and want in a relationship in regards to my health.

My prior boyfriends had some things in common, one being for my health to get better. When my health didn’t improve quickly, it was disappointing for everyone. My health is very inconsistent and I found myself needing to comfort and be strong for my ex because it was, “hard for him, too”.  I felt that I needed to continually remind him that I was going to get better and that if he stayed with me for long enough, it would be worth it. Because I so often need to stay home on the couch due to my pain, I also struggled with when to ask my ex to skip hanging out with friends and stay home with me.  I so badly want everyone to be able to go and do everything they want to do.  I know what it feels like to miss out, because I am so often left at home alone while everyone gets to go and do things.  I would feel so guilty asking him to miss out on things to stay home with me because I was sick and lonely.  Looking back, I let that guilt affect me, and I began to disregard my own happiness and needs.  I wish I would’ve vocalized my need for company more. Chronic illness is very isolating and with the anxiety and depression that come along with being chronically sick, sometimes the loneliness can just be too much. 

Missing out on things is a part of life; it’s an even bigger part of life with chronic illness. When dating someone with a chronic illness, it needs to be understood  and accepted that there will be a lot of things that both people in the relationship are going to miss out on.  I recognize that this was really hard for my ex. I know how it is difficult to miss out on gatherings, trips, and other fun things, considering you’re not even the one who is sick. If any of that bothers you, or you feel like you don’t get to be with your friends enough, then dating someone who’s chronically sick may not be a good fit.  Often, I feel like a burden to those I love because I’m always sick and often I will often ignore my needs to put the other person first.  I think this is the right mindset to have in a relationship, but you shouldn’t put the other person first at the expense of your own needs all the time. There should be a healthy balance.  Missing out on things is normal for me. I think going into a relationship with someone who is sick, knowing and understanding that you will miss out on things is extremely important.  It will not only help the sick one, but will also help the relationship as a whole. It’s much more difficult when you have to miss out because I’m sick on the couch and I need you to take care of me.  Again.  Believe me, I recognize how old this cycle gets. 

I’m going to need more help just to function than a healthy person would. Taking care of me can range from laughing at a movie with me or, sitting with me in the dark while I sleep on the couch so I’m not alone. I know it's a lot. But I also know, that if someone really loves me, this won’t be problem.  It will still be hard, but it won’t be a problem. 

I also learned that I can’t live my life trying to convince someone to stay. If my illness is permanent, then I’m going to adjust and live my life anyway.  I need my future husband to have that same mindset with me. I also need him to give me room to be sick, be flexible, and live life anyway. There will be times when I can’t give equally in the relationship. But this is the case with the majority of relationships anyway;  even healthy people have problems. I guess it depends on what problem someone is willing to help you deal with. Chronic illness is not something you should ignore, but don’t give the illness more attention than it really needs; it’s only a big deal if you make it a big deal.  And let us never forget that I am more than my illness.