Chronically In Counseling

Chronically In Counseling

why I didn’t tell my new counselor my health history

I walked into the counselors office and sat down on her old 90s couch. After applying a ton of chapstick (a nervous habit) I felt emotionally ready to be disappointed. Again. 

I saw my first counselor when I was 14 and starting to show signs of fibromyalgia. Though I didn’t know it at the time, I would go on to see five more counselors in the next eight years.  As a teenager at the time, I hated going to therapy. Looking back, I can see why it was horrible and why it did not help me. But at the time, I was just a depressed teenager wanting to pursue ballet and move away from my small town.  

Fast forward to my last appointment with my fifth counselor.  We focused on pain management, coping skills, and techniques to help me better control my anxiety. The goal being, fewer panic attacks, nightmares, and flashbacks. I saw her every two weeks for about six months. Half of that time was spent telling her my health history. It took so much time just to tell her my health history. 

Anyone who has a chronic illness understands how draining, exhausting, tear jerking and panic inducing sharing your health history can be.  I lost so much time and energy just explaining it all and how intertwined my physical and mental health is.  My pain gives me so much anxiety and depression and just dealing with those alone is difficult. Add friendships, career, (or lack there of) family, community, dating and all the other “life things” a 20 something deals with. It’s overwhelming. So you can see how having the same counselor for a number of years is important.  The hard part is finding a counselor that you like.  After seeing five different counselors, I gave up until I had a major meltdown.  Probably not the best idea. Waiting until a total meltdown. But I knew I needed to vocalize, in a respectful way, what I wanted and needed. 

Naturally, I just went with the first counselor I found that took my insurance. 

This time, I went in with a different mindset. Mostly just because I was tired of looking for a counselor that I liked. In the past, my mindset was, “I need help because Im really sick and Im dealing with all these health issues and it’s giving me anxiety and making me depressed.” But this time I went in with the mindset of, “I have a lot going on in my life and I need help learning how to balance it all.”

So I’m sitting on an ugly 90s couch applying way too much chapstick. 

After looking through my health records, counselor number six looked up at me and said, “Why are you here?”  I was a little stunned. All the counselors I had seen in the past, would look through my health records and say something more like, “Wow you’ve been really sick. That must be a lot to deal with. Can you tell me about what’s going on with your health?” I took my glasses off and said, “Im dealing with a lot of life things and I have fibromyalgia. My pain gets worse by any kind of stress,  good or bad.”  She closed the file of papers and pushed the file to the side. “So, what are you dealing with today?” She asked again.  And that was when it clicked. 

I realized that my new counselor didn’t need or want my health history. I had always just assumed that my counselor needed the five hour long story of my health history because Ive been so sick for so long.  While my health history does affect my health today, it’s a problem that I deal with, but a problem that cannot be solved today.  In that first session with my sixth counselor, I finally saw that my health history was no longer relevant. 

Im not saying that you should never share your health history with your counselor. What Im saying is, just share what’s relevant.  Maybe I just need let go of my health history so I can deal with my “today” problems.

Im relieved to say that my health history is no longer the focus of my life.

My focus isn’t trying to figure out what’s wrong or how I could get better. In a lot of ways, that mindset can be really limiting. Being stuck in a constant state of trying to get better so I can live my life. Instead I just want to live my life. I am an artist who happens to have a chronic illness. I didn’t realize how tightly I was hanging onto my health history.  I think it really held me back. Maybe I just didn’t click with the first five counselors. It really doesn’t matter anymore. Im setting myself free from trying to figure it out.  I am more than my chronic illness.  And I am more than my health history.